Suicidal thoughts vol. 1

So, I woke up with this pain in my heart. I am not sure what does it mean. Is just like I am missing something that I can not live without. It is pain and also a hole in my heart, bigger than the holes in my mind, that fucking lack of memory that “the accident” gave to me…

I woke up because that song that I listened, it was a TV commercial… there’s a star man la la la la la… a David Bowie song… I can’t even remember the lyrics…

I hope I know but I can’t remember why it sounds so painful for me. It just made me cry, that’s one of the worst feelings in this world, waking up crying… I hate that because what I can remember is myself waking up crying because of my anorexia and depression. The reason why I woke up crying was because I woke up one more day, and I woke up without strength, I just couldn’t stand to take a shower and have a normal day. So, with that memories, I know how depression feels like…

But I know that there is something else. I know that I am missing something, or should I say someone? I wish I would know…

Looking through my iPhone playlist is just the same. I like my music, some of my songs are gothic, but some others are to painful to listen… and I don’t know why!!!

I just can do what my sister asked me to do… take a deep breath, count to ten, don’t panic and don’t force yourself. Memories will come back if they should. Those which shouldn’t come back, will be dead forever.

Well, sorry but the only thought that I have is that the only one who should be dead is me. I get stressed and depressed so easy with this fucking illness and I know that I want to suicide. Is just that I think is not time yet.

The time will come soon… as soon as I become perfect. I will lose weight as long as I have nothing else to lose.

Up to the bones!

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Herencia

El domingo platicaba con 2 personitas muy especiales para mí y les dije “¿qué pensarían si les digo que me voy a suicidar?”

Entre burlas y regaños me dijeron que me extrañarían. Bien, no sé qué decir… esta canción expresa lo que siento.

En tan poco tiempo se han convertido tan importantes para mi pues siempre han sido sinceros, directos, amorosos, no me han juzgado a pesar de lo que soy. Por eso se las dedico… disfrútenla porque es muy difícil que yo dedique una canción a alguien *;P

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I’m done here?

So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I’ve done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me

And when you’re feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid

I’ve taken my beating

I’ve shared what I’ve made

I’m strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I’ve never been perfect

But neither have you

So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I’ve done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me

And when you’re feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Forgetting

All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can’t be who you are

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I’ve done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me

And when you’re feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Forgetting

All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can’t be who you are

I can’t be who you are

Never enough

Even though I’m still confused, I’m feeling like this… because it will never be enough, I will never be enough…

So I will starve to death, that is when I will know it was enough.

Can’t you hear me screaming, once again?

Voices you can’t hear

Because you are consumed and incontent

With everlasting greed

Don’t you see me on my hands and knees?

Begging and bleeding

You’re smiling as you bite the hand that feeds

But will you never see?

Always wanting what your eyes can’t see

needing what your arms can’t reach

Thinking you are in need

Always hearing what your ears can’t hear

feeling what your hands can’t touch

Thinking you’re incomplete

It was,

Never enough that I gave to you

All of the horror that you’ve put me through

How can I make up my mind this time?

This is where I will draw the line

Sacrificed my life to be with you

Why did you leave me?

There’s nothing more from me you can consume

Cause you are incomplete

Always wanting what your eyes can’t see

needing what your arms can’t reach

Thinking you are in need

Always hearing what your ears can’t hear

feeling what your hands can’t touch

Thinking you’re incomplete

It was,

Never enough that I gave to you

All of the horror that you’ve put me through

How can I make up my mind this time?

This is where I will draw the line

Everlasting need

Would you please?

Answer me and

Make me complete

Everlasting greed

Would you please?

Set me free

Fulfill all my needs and make complete

It was,

Never enough that I gave to you

All of the horror that you’ve put me through

How can I make up my mind this time?

This is where I will draw the line

Never again will I be with you

No promise eternal carrying us through

I finally made up my mind this time

This is the end, I’ve drawn the line

Never enough to devour your greed

Soundtrack

En mis intentos por distraerme, encontré un correo de cuando aún usaba hotmail. Aquellos bellos años en los que nos enviábamos cadenas con preguntas tipo chismógrafo. Pues me trajo tan buenos recuerdos y pude encontrar uno realmente bueno para compartir que decidí pasarlo al plano actual.

Se llama “el Soundtrack de mi vida”. La dinámica es muy sencilla. Poner en modo shuffle tu reproductor de música y responder a cada una de las “preguntas/situaciones” que se plantean. Así se crea el soundtrack de tu vida.

Vamos a ver qué ocurre…

Créditos Iniciales:

So let mercy come and wash away what I’ve done…

Al despertar:

Don’t take away the music, it’s the only thing I’ve got..

Primer día de trabajo:

By the way, I tried to say I’d be there, waiting for…

 

Al enamorarte:

I thought I had you on hold…

 

Escena del beso:

El armario de mi cuarto parece un triturador, la cama no deja de dar vueltas y el payaso es un cabrón…

 

Canción de pelea:

El veneno no te mata, te mata el dolor…

 

Graduación:

If you’re still alive, my regrets are few
If my life is mine, what shouldn’t I do?
I get wherever I’m going, I get whatever I need
While my blood’s still flowing and my heart’s still beating like a hammer

 

Mi gran ruptura:

We’re so close to something better left unknown. I can feel it in my bones…

 

Mental shock:

I was the one with the world at my feet…

 

Canción para conducir:

I woke with this fear: What am I leaving?, When I’m done here?

 

Reconciliación:

That’s what it means to crush, now that I’m wakin’ up I still feel the blow but at least now I know…

 

Flashback:

I’m in love with it, intoxicated. I’m enraptured from the inside I can feel that you want to…

 

Boda:

‘Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try…

 

Nacimiento de mi hija:

I want to heal, I want to feel like I’m close to something real, I want to find something I’ve wanted all along… Somewhere I belong.

 

Pagando deudas:

I’ve been watching you creep around my wandering feet, trying for years to flee

 

Momento del triunfo final:

Feel my body shutting down, I don’t wanna hear a sound
Feel my battery running low, I don’t wanna be alone
Yeah, I need to take a breath
Yeah, I need to disconnect

 

Escena de muerte:

He comprado un vestido, lo he colgado en tu armario.
Tu perfume me sacude, tu mesilla me enloquece.
Has sentido mi suspiro, ¡no me has visto!

 

Escena del funeral:

‘Cause I can’t stop wondering if I was too late to see the signs
If I could go back with hands up, I’d look up to the sky…
I’d give it, I’d give it, I’d give it
I’d give it to you,

Give it to you!

 

Créditos finales:

Ha nacido la semilla del diablo, en mi casa, la semilla del diablo, llora sangre la semilla del diablo…

 

 

Errores imperdonables

¿Qué tan normal es que no sólo me identifique con esta escena, sino que también se está repitiendo muy seguido en mi vida?

¿Cuándo será el día en que por fin desaparezca y todo esto termine? ¿Cuando ya no haya dolor, ni pesadillas, ni despertar en la madrugada llorando?

¿Entonces es cierto lo que dicen? Que no soy suficiente, que por más que lo intente, jamás voy a tener el cuerpo, ni el “carisma”, ni seré tan bonita…

Ya me harté de todas esas pavadas de “sé bonita sólo para tí, ámate a tí misma, etc.”

¡LO HAGO, CARAJO! Sólo no entiendo, si ya es suficiente para mí, si amo tanto a alguien como para compartir mi felicidad, entonces ¿por qué primero estamos bien y después, deja de ser suficiente?

¿Es que, en verdad, mis errores son imperdonables? Espero con ansias el día de mi muerte, no sé si tenga el valor de adelantarla, lo único que sé es que, para todos, será lo único en lo que no me equivoque. Lo único que no sea un error…

Este post no tiene destinatario ni indirectas, es para todo el que lo lea.

A letter from someone who’s broken

Writing is always a good idea to take the pain away.
When I write, I feel like I'm lowering down the pressure in my head, in my heart and in my soul. When I feel guilty, I need to write in order to think everything is going to be ok, even though it doesn't.
This week I made a huge decision. I'm trying to be a better person, a better woman, a better human being. All the time I'm always complaining about myself, my weight, my beauty and all my imperfections. That feeling of not being enough for anything, nor for anyone. I need to stop it and start doing something about it.
Somebody told me about suicide. That is a great way to die. Well, I'm sorry for being such a coward and don't doing it in the conventional way.
I stop eating again. Don't think it's a vanity thing. It's because I'm punishing myself because I've been such an asshole.
I think I've just give up. So, I'm doing this in my way.
Please don't think I'm going to be in a bad mood. Think that is part of the consequences I deserve, part of my own punishment.
At the end, think that I'm looking for my own suicide and finally it's going to be perfect.
Finally, I'm going to be perfect.

Now it's time to put on again all the masks because, THE SHOW MUST GO ON…

Ana.

Así me gusta llamarte. Es tan simple y a la vez tan complejo. Obsesivo. Palíndromo.

Eres el tatuaje más doloroso y horrendo que me he hecho. Aún te tengo miedo. Elegí alejarte pero sé que día a día me buscas y estando a solas, haces de las tuyas. Te lo permito, te consiento demasiado que ya hasta te he tomado cariño. A mi manera.

Visítame cuantas veces quieras. Me gusta jugar contigo, retarte. Ahora hasta presumirte que tengo razones para actuar diferente. No te apoderarás de mí, ya tengo quién lo haga.

Llámame estúpida, te extraño. Extraño lo que me dabas, lo que me diste, lo que me enseñaste. Extraño esa perfección oculta en obsesión. Me pegas dónde más duele. Maldita.

¡DÉJAME EN PAZ! Aún quiero ser perfecta, siempre he querido serlo. Sólo que algunas veces me rindo más rápido que otras y en diferentes maneras.

¿Recuperación? Carajo, no sé si creer en ella o solamente me hago tonta yo sola. Para ser sincera, creo que sigues aquí y seguirás por siempre. Nunca me dejarás. Siempre lo he dicho. Maldito parásito.

¡Deja de atacarme! ¡Deja de aterrarme!

Acepto que sigues aquí, te miro de lejos con miedo o respeto, no lo sé muy bien. Sólo no me lastimes como yo no lo hago a tí. Aún me rijo por algunas de tus reglas para no hacerte enojar, pero no aprietes tanto el nudo con que me ahorcabas en otro tiempo. Me tienes amarrada y si así lo quieres, jamás me soltaré, no lo intentaría con tal de no desatar tu furia, de que no molestes y te sientas ofendida. Co-existamos en paz.

you…forever.