Suicidal thoughts vol. 1

So, I woke up with this pain in my heart. I am not sure what does it mean. Is just like I am missing something that I can not live without. It is pain and also a hole in my heart, bigger than the holes in my mind, that fucking lack of memory that “the accident” gave to me…

I woke up because that song that I listened, it was a TV commercial… there’s a star man la la la la la… a David Bowie song… I can’t even remember the lyrics…

I hope I know but I can’t remember why it sounds so painful for me. It just made me cry, that’s one of the worst feelings in this world, waking up crying… I hate that because what I can remember is myself waking up crying because of my anorexia and depression. The reason why I woke up crying was because I woke up one more day, and I woke up without strength, I just couldn’t stand to take a shower and have a normal day. So, with that memories, I know how depression feels like…

But I know that there is something else. I know that I am missing something, or should I say someone? I wish I would know…

Looking through my iPhone playlist is just the same. I like my music, some of my songs are gothic, but some others are to painful to listen… and I don’t know why!!!

I just can do what my sister asked me to do… take a deep breath, count to ten, don’t panic and don’t force yourself. Memories will come back if they should. Those which shouldn’t come back, will be dead forever.

Well, sorry but the only thought that I have is that the only one who should be dead is me. I get stressed and depressed so easy with this fucking illness and I know that I want to suicide. Is just that I think is not time yet.

The time will come soon… as soon as I become perfect. I will lose weight as long as I have nothing else to lose.

Up to the bones!

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Herencia

El domingo platicaba con 2 personitas muy especiales para mí y les dije “¿qué pensarían si les digo que me voy a suicidar?”

Entre burlas y regaños me dijeron que me extrañarían. Bien, no sé qué decir… esta canción expresa lo que siento.

En tan poco tiempo se han convertido tan importantes para mi pues siempre han sido sinceros, directos, amorosos, no me han juzgado a pesar de lo que soy. Por eso se las dedico… disfrútenla porque es muy difícil que yo dedique una canción a alguien *;P

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I’m done here?

So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I’ve done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me

And when you’re feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid

I’ve taken my beating

I’ve shared what I’ve made

I’m strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I’ve never been perfect

But neither have you

So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I’ve done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me

And when you’re feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Forgetting

All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can’t be who you are

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I’ve done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me

And when you’re feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Forgetting

All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can’t be who you are

I can’t be who you are

Never enough

Even though I’m still confused, I’m feeling like this… because it will never be enough, I will never be enough…

So I will starve to death, that is when I will know it was enough.

Can’t you hear me screaming, once again?

Voices you can’t hear

Because you are consumed and incontent

With everlasting greed

Don’t you see me on my hands and knees?

Begging and bleeding

You’re smiling as you bite the hand that feeds

But will you never see?

Always wanting what your eyes can’t see

needing what your arms can’t reach

Thinking you are in need

Always hearing what your ears can’t hear

feeling what your hands can’t touch

Thinking you’re incomplete

It was,

Never enough that I gave to you

All of the horror that you’ve put me through

How can I make up my mind this time?

This is where I will draw the line

Sacrificed my life to be with you

Why did you leave me?

There’s nothing more from me you can consume

Cause you are incomplete

Always wanting what your eyes can’t see

needing what your arms can’t reach

Thinking you are in need

Always hearing what your ears can’t hear

feeling what your hands can’t touch

Thinking you’re incomplete

It was,

Never enough that I gave to you

All of the horror that you’ve put me through

How can I make up my mind this time?

This is where I will draw the line

Everlasting need

Would you please?

Answer me and

Make me complete

Everlasting greed

Would you please?

Set me free

Fulfill all my needs and make complete

It was,

Never enough that I gave to you

All of the horror that you’ve put me through

How can I make up my mind this time?

This is where I will draw the line

Never again will I be with you

No promise eternal carrying us through

I finally made up my mind this time

This is the end, I’ve drawn the line

Never enough to devour your greed

Shock

El estado de shock se considera aquel estado en que una persona se encuentra tras vivir un suceso vital traumático: por ejemplo una catástrofe natural, la muerte de un ser querido, una agresión sexual, una vivencia horrorífica, etc… El estado de shock como tal solo perdura durante las primeras horas o días. Luego pasa a conocerse como estado de estrés agudo (2 días-4 semanas) y pasado un mes o más estrés postraumático (el cual ya requiere atención psicológica). Una persona en estado de shock puede resultar muy impactante y muchas veces no sabemos cómo tratarla, que decir o hacer para mejorar su estado. Podemos encontrarnos con una amiga a la que acaban de llamar del hospital para decirle que su madre acaba de fallecer en un accidente de tráfico y que tiene una crisis de ansiedad o que entra en estado de negación…O una persona que acaba de ser testigo de un atropello y visto como el cuerpo de uno de los conductores yace mutilado. ¿Que deberíamos hacer? Empecemos por el principio…

¿Cómo es un estado de shock?

El estado de shock se entiende como la primera fase de la reacción a un evento. Así pues la reacción humana puede comportar 3 fases:

• Fase aguda (de impacto): dura minutos, horas o días. Es lo que se conoce como la respuesta de lucha o huida. Hay un aumento de la adrenalina, de la frecuencia cardíaca, se acelera la respiración, etc…Puede haber desorientación temporal, espacial o hacia las personas. Se experimenta ira, dolor, temor. Se interpreta como shock también la falta de reacción y la apatía. Así pues el shock ocurriría en esta fase.

• Fase de reacción: aislamiento, culpa, temor a regresar al lugar de los ocurrido, tensión muscular pesadillas… Se produce cuando el hecho se ha asimilado y ya no se está en fase de shock.

• Fase de reorientación: se integra lo vivido, se vuelven a hacer planes de futuro. El dolor persiste pero ya no es tan intenso.

¿Cómo reconocemos un estado de shock? Dentro de un estado de shock hay diferentes tipos de reacciones, dentro de las más comunes hay 2:

• El shock emocional: la persona presentará embotamiento afectivo (dificultad para sentir cosas), problemas de concentración y memoria, desorganización e hipoactivación. Como si no reaccionara.

• El estado agresivo: La persona puede sentirse incrédula o negar el hecho, hay rabia y gran activación, estrés y pueden aparecer sentimientos de culpa. Aquí se produce una reacción muy fuerte.

Insuficientemente flaca para llamar tu atención

“Estoy muy triste y mi vida no tiene sentido: voy a la facultad y me encierro en la cápsula malvada (mi casa), eso es todo lo que hago. Y ahora decidí no llamar más a Alejandro para ver cuánto tarda en darse cuenta de mi desaparición terrenal. ¿Se dará cuenta en algún momento de que sigo existiendo? Espero que sea antes de mi suicidio.”

Hoy tocó Abzurdah de Cielo Latini. Eso es lo que soy, lo que siempre he sido, ABZURDAH. Insuficientemente delgada, bonita, buen partido para llamar tu atención. Never good enough.

I think I’m understanding why I feel like this…

Since last week, I’ve been feeling like falling apart. That’s why I decided to stop eating again. Because feeling the pain of hunger is worth for someone like me. Someone who doesn’t worth for anything. Now, Ana is taking control of myself again. I leave my life in your cold arms. Please keep me and protect me up to the bones. Please Ana, take my voice, my willness… I want you to know that I tried so hard and got so far but, in the end it doesn’t even matter…

Since last week, this song got stuck in my head. I didn’t even know the whole lyrics. Now I understand them.