Why did you do it?

And I don’t know what to say

I’m thinking about you

It’s hurting without you

I never learn from my mistakes

I feel fucked up today

My demons cursing me as I’m awake

My head is spinning I can’t explain

Your words are poison inside my veins

You lied!

I don’t believe you I can’t relate

You lied!

I hate your voice cause it sounds so fake

(You lied…)

And I don’t know what to say

I’m thinking about you

It’s hurting without you

I never learn from my mistakes

I’m thinking about you

I’m choking without you

And I don’t know what to say

I should’ve walked away

And break the circle that never ends

No other way to survive the pain

It’s either I kill or I will be killed

You lied!

But I’m still giving myself away

You lied!

I don’t regret every single day

(You lied…)

And I don’t know what to say

I’m thinking about you

It’s hurting without you

I never learn from my mistakes

I’m thinking about you

I’m choking without you

And I don’t know what to say

I think of you and I can’t forget

Every word you said hurts inside my head

Cannot let you go, things will never change

I feel fucked up today

It’s either I kill or I will be killed

(You lied)

And I don’t know what to say

I’m thinking about you

It’s hurting without you

I never learn from my mistakes

I’m thinking about you

I’m choking without you

And I know right now

Just the way that I will be killed

You lied!

Advertisements

I think I’m going to break one of my bones… I really fucking need it…

The boy I love’s got another girl

He might be fucking her right now

I don’t have an apartment

Thought if I was smart I’d make it far

But I’m still at the start

Guess I’m contagious it’d be safest if you ran

Fuck that’s what they all just end up doing in the end

Take my car and paint it black

Take my arm, break it in half

Say something, do it soon

It’s too quiet in this room

I need noise

I need the buzz of a sub

Need the crack of a whip

Need some blood in the cut

I need noise

I need the buzz of a sub

Need the crack of a whip

Need some blood in the cut

I need blood in the cut

I need blood in the cut

Met back up with the boy I love

Cried on the streets of San Francisco

I don’t have an agenda

All I do is pretend to be ok so my friends

Can’t see my heart in the blender

Lately, I’ve been killing all my time

Reading through your messages my favorite way to die

Take my head and kick it in

Break some bread for all my sins

Say a word, do it soon

It’s too quiet in this room

I need noise

I need the buzz of a sub

Need the crack of a whip

Need some blood in the cut

I need noise

I need the buzz of a sub

Need the crack of a whip

Need some blood in the cut

I need blood in the cut

I need blood in the cut

Happy birthday princess

It’s kind of funny how unstable my feelings are… like a roller coaster

First you’re down, getting slowly to the top. You’re afraid but you’re not sure if you’re going to enjoy it, you just let yourself go. When you’re on the top, you open your eyes and the panorama looks so beautiful, a great ephemeral shot. And then, you fall…

In my particular case, I hate roller coasters and heights. So, you can imagine how torturing could be to fall down without control. Yep, that’s kind of how my life goes every time.

Today, January 16th, it’s a very special day because I’m feeling that I can fall again without stopping. Today I feel more than ever that nothing else matters. I like my job, I like my life, I like my family and friends but I think it’s time to start the final countdown…

Why? Because even though I like my life I think it’s never good enough. My job, my life, my parents, my last relationship… I wasn’t good enough and I will never be.

I know I say this all the time but, this time nothing’s gonna stop me. I don’t have any reasons… I’ve noticed that I started this a few weeks ago… because of my job.

I wasn’t thinking about it, it just happened. And I noticed it one night while undressing myself, accidentally looked at the mirror and felt a little bit thinner… just a little but enough to noticed.

That was the first time in this days when I know she’s the only one who never goes away from me… Even though you go away and come back to me, you had shown me that you don’t belong to me.

You have shown it every single time and I didn’t want to see it because I love you so fucking much.

Please don’t think about me like “this stupid child with her tantrums about being thinner”. Please don’t underrate me. I know it’s nobody’s fault but mine, so you don’t need to scold me.

So, thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. All the time I knew that it was too good to be true. I’m not blaming you, I’m only talking to you like you did to me.

Now, more than ever, I know I belong only to her…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANA!

Take me with you. Up to the bones…

Suicide is never going to save you… really?

Hey me

Remember when you were skinny

Remember when you didn’t worry

Remember when you didn’t care

That’s when you were living

You were living, you were alive

And I don’t know what’s happened to me

No, I don’t know what’s happened to me

I guess the devil’s back

I guess the devil’s back

I guess the devil’s back

I guess the devil’s back

Hate me

I hate what I’ve become and now I cannot breathe

Anxiety is killing me slowly

What happened to youthful carefree

When did I get so old

And I don’t know what’s happened to me

No, I don’t know what’s happened to me

I guess the devil’s back

I guess the devil’s back

Against the devil’s back

Against the devil’s back

Soundtrack

En mis intentos por distraerme, encontré un correo de cuando aún usaba hotmail. Aquellos bellos años en los que nos enviábamos cadenas con preguntas tipo chismógrafo. Pues me trajo tan buenos recuerdos y pude encontrar uno realmente bueno para compartir que decidí pasarlo al plano actual.

Se llama “el Soundtrack de mi vida”. La dinámica es muy sencilla. Poner en modo shuffle tu reproductor de música y responder a cada una de las “preguntas/situaciones” que se plantean. Así se crea el soundtrack de tu vida.

Vamos a ver qué ocurre…

Créditos Iniciales:

So let mercy come and wash away what I’ve done…

Al despertar:

Don’t take away the music, it’s the only thing I’ve got..

Primer día de trabajo:

By the way, I tried to say I’d be there, waiting for…

 

Al enamorarte:

I thought I had you on hold…

 

Escena del beso:

El armario de mi cuarto parece un triturador, la cama no deja de dar vueltas y el payaso es un cabrón…

 

Canción de pelea:

El veneno no te mata, te mata el dolor…

 

Graduación:

If you’re still alive, my regrets are few
If my life is mine, what shouldn’t I do?
I get wherever I’m going, I get whatever I need
While my blood’s still flowing and my heart’s still beating like a hammer

 

Mi gran ruptura:

We’re so close to something better left unknown. I can feel it in my bones…

 

Mental shock:

I was the one with the world at my feet…

 

Canción para conducir:

I woke with this fear: What am I leaving?, When I’m done here?

 

Reconciliación:

That’s what it means to crush, now that I’m wakin’ up I still feel the blow but at least now I know…

 

Flashback:

I’m in love with it, intoxicated. I’m enraptured from the inside I can feel that you want to…

 

Boda:

‘Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try…

 

Nacimiento de mi hija:

I want to heal, I want to feel like I’m close to something real, I want to find something I’ve wanted all along… Somewhere I belong.

 

Pagando deudas:

I’ve been watching you creep around my wandering feet, trying for years to flee

 

Momento del triunfo final:

Feel my body shutting down, I don’t wanna hear a sound
Feel my battery running low, I don’t wanna be alone
Yeah, I need to take a breath
Yeah, I need to disconnect

 

Escena de muerte:

He comprado un vestido, lo he colgado en tu armario.
Tu perfume me sacude, tu mesilla me enloquece.
Has sentido mi suspiro, ¡no me has visto!

 

Escena del funeral:

‘Cause I can’t stop wondering if I was too late to see the signs
If I could go back with hands up, I’d look up to the sky…
I’d give it, I’d give it, I’d give it
I’d give it to you,

Give it to you!

 

Créditos finales:

Ha nacido la semilla del diablo, en mi casa, la semilla del diablo, llora sangre la semilla del diablo…

 

 

Errores imperdonables

¿Qué tan normal es que no sólo me identifique con esta escena, sino que también se está repitiendo muy seguido en mi vida?

¿Cuándo será el día en que por fin desaparezca y todo esto termine? ¿Cuando ya no haya dolor, ni pesadillas, ni despertar en la madrugada llorando?

¿Entonces es cierto lo que dicen? Que no soy suficiente, que por más que lo intente, jamás voy a tener el cuerpo, ni el “carisma”, ni seré tan bonita…

Ya me harté de todas esas pavadas de “sé bonita sólo para tí, ámate a tí misma, etc.”

¡LO HAGO, CARAJO! Sólo no entiendo, si ya es suficiente para mí, si amo tanto a alguien como para compartir mi felicidad, entonces ¿por qué primero estamos bien y después, deja de ser suficiente?

¿Es que, en verdad, mis errores son imperdonables? Espero con ansias el día de mi muerte, no sé si tenga el valor de adelantarla, lo único que sé es que, para todos, será lo único en lo que no me equivoque. Lo único que no sea un error…

Este post no tiene destinatario ni indirectas, es para todo el que lo lea.